Welcome to the first installment of “The grumblings of a traveller”, a new series in which we will be offering our (strictly unsolicited) “constructive” criticism on the countries we visit, as well as proposing unlikely solutions to unsolvable problems whenever possible. In other words, it will be a space to moan, complain and reveal ourselves to be the spoilt gringos that we are by venting out our western frustrations. You are welcome!
And how could we not inaugurate this series with our beloved Peru? Well it’s the first country in our tour, so we kind of have no choice…
PERU
Ok we have done the Top 10 Peru, but since we are at it we thought we’d give you a few points to reflect on, take it as constructive criticism? But please don’t be offended Peru, we love your imperfections too, but if you could improve the following 10 items we would be grateful, again in no particular order. Cheers.
- Great local restaurants only open for lunch
Peruvians love their lunch, and Saturday and Sunday lunches are very serious affairs with people sometimes willing to queue for a place in their favourite spot. Nothing wrong with that, we can handle a big week-end lunch. Problem is that this love for lunch extends to the rest of the week and the best local restaurants only ever open for “almuerzo”. Some of these best local places only seem to cater for…erm…locals and don’t care about us gringos wanting to go out to dinner instead after a hard day’s sightseeing. This sad state of affairs often forces tourists and travellers to flock to more touristic and pricey places that serve the staple dishes but with no love. No locals in sight too, which is never a very good sign. Cevicherias and picanterias are some of the worst offenders, being usually open from 11 to 5. Dear local favourites, can you please be open for dinner a couple of times a week, that would be much appreciated.
2. Dust
With the exception of Lima, roads in Peru are made of dust with a little bit off asphalt underneath. At the end of a day out one ends up looking like a dusty cowboy from a Sergio Leone spaghetti western, or like Carl McCoy (kudos to the few that will get this reference!). Not too good for your lungs either, no wonder nobody smokes in Peru, they don’t have to; the inhalation of dust is more than enough!
- Noise pollution
Never ending car alarms, perpetually honking cars and collectivos, bars and restaurants incessantly spitting out loud Latino music, devil-possessed barking dogs, ladies shouting “choclo con queso” and “tamalestamalestamales” at every corner. Is this reality or a circle from Dante’s inferno? More “silencio sagrado” please!
- Rubbish in natural beauty
Dear Peru, your country is SO beautiful, it is a shame to see the plastic bottles in the rivers, the builders rubbish at the side of the road and all manner of other things that just should not be there. Probably a complex problem, I hope that the situation can be improved.
- Altitude
We love the Andes, but why do they have to be so high? Most of us were born and raised at sea level. I know there isn’t much you can do about tectonic movements Peru, but just wanted to let you know that you are making it challenging for the rest of us to climb the stairs to our bedrooms!
- No hot tap in sinks
Now Peru, we know you have hot water, we experienced it directly on our skins in your showers. So why on earth do you only have the cold water tap in the bathroom sink? Are you trying to freeze our faces to death in the morning when we have a wash? We demand the hot water tap in every bathroom sink!
- Lack of bread variety
Flat, usually triangular and hollow. This is your bread Peru, served every morning for breakfast with some Gloria jam and a few knobs of butter. Day in. Day out. Better bread for the masses, the people demand it!
- Patchy internet
Why does the internet signal on the phone show three bars (full signal) and then the internet doesn’t work? Why are you making us spend hours searching for WIFI routers when we could be spending our time visiting your attractions and contributing to your economy? I am talking to you Claro, we want better WIFI by the end of the year or else…
- Absence of vacuum cleaner and mops
To be fair we have seen a few vacuum cleaners lying around, but they looked more like something you’d find in your grandma’s basement or in a countryside car boot sale than genuine domestic appliances. Not that they were ever used anyway, which kind of confirms my suspicions that they are kept as antiques for decorating purposes. But seriously, why persevere with the anachronistic broom when you could make your life a hundred times easier by using an average modern vacuum cleaner. Have I spotted a gap in the market?
Same with mops really, why aren’t there mops in Peru? Why wrap a wet cloth around a broom head (you do use the broom to its fullest potential, I’ll give you that) or around one of those strange window squeegees when you could use a perfectly fit-for-purpose mop. I saw a few for sale in a supermarket once, but they were covered in cob webs, what a waste! But possibly another gap in the market..!
- Lack of central heating
Times are changing dear Peru, and due to climate change you are no longer immune (aside from maybe the coast) to cold temperatures. But you are a tall country, with many of your major cities and tourist attractions at over 3000 meters above sea level. Yes I know, it’s still hot and sunny in the day with temperatures rarely below 20° C, but what about the night, have you forgotten about it? It is not uncommon in many of your higher cities for temperatures to go below zero. In such cases we can consider ourselves lucky if we can get hold of an electric heater. Not good enough. This also brings me to another major night-time related issue, namely the lack of duvets. Yes those alpaca blankets are nice and contribute to the economy, but once you have stacked three or four of those on top of each other you are at risk of suffocating the person in bed by the sheer weight of the things. A one single 12-13 Tog duvet would solve all your problems. You still need central heating though, don’t you think that you can get away with just a bunch of duvets!
Alright Peru, I am sure you have dutifully taken note of the ten points above and will do your best to improve upon them. We will be back in a few months to check on the progress 🙂
In the next installment of “The grumblings of a traveler” we’ll be looking at Bolivia and its near mythical ability to cause tummy upset by simply crossing its border.
See you next time.
Hey leave a comment to this post, we are interested in your opinions!